My Background Check

My new landlords, Linda and Travis, asked, quite justifiably, if I would submit to a thorough background check prior to being offered a year's lease on their Navarre Beach (FL) condo. I agreed to the background check and, when the results were in, I called in a few markers, greased the skids, pulled a few strings, (please insert your own favorite cliche here), and was able to find out what my background check revealed.

Here are the unfiltered results of my background check:

1. I am a person of good character much of the time. The only major exceptions to this occur when the Yankees are beating the Red Sox or when I leave a birdie putt short, at which time I revert to something ogreish or troll-like.

2. I am almost completely debt free unless you count emotional indebtedness to family and friends in which case I am and will always be beholding to many of you. You know who you are. Come down here and "collect" any time you wish.

3. I used a prohibited translation or "trot" during most of my Latin classes at Boston Latin School. I almost never used one during my English classes.

4. Ada used to do my algebra homework for me. To repay her, I would eagerly help her with her Spanish work. I never took Spanish and Ada's grades reflected that.

5. On more than one occasion I have paid to see one movie but managed to sneak around the cineplex and see two. In my own defense, I would usually pick a second movie I knew I wasn't going to enjoy.

6. On a hitchhiking trip from Boston to the San Francisco area back in 1966, I stole several candy bars from the student store at The University of California, Berkeley. I shared these candy bars with my starving co-conspirator, Andy Razin. It was only after pilfering about 5 or 6 of the delectable treats that I learned that the aforementioned candy bars were free for the taking. This revelation should not serve to dampen your opinion of the bravery and cunning needed to commit this larceny on my part; however, it should serve to strengthen your opinion of the stupidity demonstrated by the two of us.

7. At age 63 I still think farting is wildly amusing. Of course there was a time when I thought the same thing about drunken vomiting, but I've matured.

8. Owing to a recommendation made eight years ago by former colleague and good friend Russ Garland, I watch the tv show "24" without fail. It is the only show I refuse to miss. I particularly enjoy two things about the program: Kiefer Sutherland's ability to whisper and Kiefer Sutherland's ability to yell. I can take or leave the rest of it.

9. I said several bad words during and for about a week after my vasectomy.

10. Toward the end of my teaching career, my lesson plans were written retroactively; thus, they were not plans at all but rather an incomplete record of what may or may not have already happened in my English classes.

11. I didn't feel the least bit guilty about #10.

12. I was a bit overzealous as a youth soccer coach for both sons, Josh and Matt. This was never more obvious than when I had our mighty Purple team chant, "The Green Team Sucks" before competing against them for the championship. The fact that they did (suck) should not serve to mitigate this heinous offense. While I have the opportunity, I'd particularly like to apologize to player #12 on the Red Team. I didn't mean what I said.

13. I once bought a used lime-green Fiat. That alone would be enough to call my character into question; however, I bought it notwithstanding the fact that when I went to take a look at it, the sellers had already started it. This probably should have raised a warning flag or two, but I loved the color. I was very relieved to discover that starting it and getting it to advance were not at all problematic. Sadly, I was disappointed to discover after a while that it was very difficult, almost impossible, to stop. That did not prevent me from driving it, although it did force me to drive it v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y. My background check revealed that I never had an accident in that car and that I mostly used it on uphill journeys.

14. Thanks to an enduring friendship with Steve and Carol Davidson, and their son Jamie, Ada and I were able to travel to England many times. During much of that time I had no idea what English people were saying to me. Rather than reveal my stupidity, I opted to simply nod in agreement. As a result of this slovenly behavior, I evidently owe a tremendous amount of money for back taxes on a Northumberlandessexshire castle, and I have a third son, Nigel.

Despite all of the above, Linda and Travis took a leap of faith and the lease was signed. I move in next week. There's an extra bedroom for Nigel.

Much love,
J